New Years Eve

Well it is 10:17 and I am sitting here watching The Simpsons and blogging. I never thought I would be this person. I use to be such an asshole in so many ways and I think to myself if I wouldn't have gotten sick I would probably still be an asshole. Now I am a person that my little sister can look up to and be proud of. It's funny though when I am not feeling well she is like the little mother and she was told if she keeps her grades up she could be there for transplant day and she keeps telling me I am not going to miss it I am going to be there and I am not leaving. I am not happy that I got sick because I hate it more than anything but I do like the person I have become. Any how I have another one of my headaches from hell and it won't go away I have had it since this morning. I am sure the computer screen is not helping at all but I have not really been on in a while and I need to start writing at least once a day even if it is an update. My Dad and our pair are getting cross matched we should have the answer next week. Trina did some of her testing on Thursday and she gets more done on Monday. I keep trying not to get mine or her hopes up just because this is a lot of pressure and I know both Meghan and my Dad were both so devastated and it didn't help that I was a complete basket case and couldn't stop crying. I just don't want her to feel bad if she can't because just offering and being tested means a lot no matter what I have gained a great friend. I just really hope it works out and I can finally get a kidney I don't want to do this anymore I want to be able to walk Max, jog I just want a normal life again like when I was in 7th grade lol that is the last time I remember feeling good but over the years it is not like I helped myself I have gotten better but I know I can be better too. Well I am going to go get some water I am starting to have stomach pain. One day soon all of this will go away and I will feel GREAT!

Donor in first successful U.S. organ transplant dies

AUGUSTA, Maine — Ronald Lee Herrick, who donated a kidney to his dying twin brother 56 years ago in what's recognized as the world's first successful organ transplant, has died of complications following heart surgery. He was 79.

Herrick died Monday at the Augusta Rehabilitation Center in Augusta, said his wife, Cynthia. He had been in deteriorating health since his October surgery, she said.

Herrick gave a kidney to his twin brother, Richard, at what is now Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston. The 5 1/2-hour operation on Dec. 23, 1954, kept Herrick's brother alive for eight years and was the first successful organ transplant, according to the United Network for Organ Sharing. Lead surgeon Dr. Joseph Murray went on to win a Nobel Prize.

The operation proved that transplants were possible and led to thousands of other successful kidney transplants and ultimately the transplant of other organs. Doctors had tried a handful of transplants worldwide without success up to that point, said Murray, who went on to perform another 18 transplants between identical twins.

"This operation rejuvenated the whole field of transplantation," Murray, 91, told The Associated Press in a phone interview from his home in Wellesley, Mass. "There were other people studying transplants in four or five different countries, but the fact that it worked so well with the identical twins was a tremendous stimulus."

Herrick was raised on a family farm in Rutland, Massachusetts, where he graduated high school. He later served in the U.S. Army.

At 23, Herrick was glad to give up a kidney if it would help his brother, who was dying from chronic nephritis, an inflammation of the kidneys. Murray thought the odds of a transplanted organ being accepted would be enhanced since they were identical twins.

Before the operation, many people opposed the idea of transplanting a body organ, equating it with desecration of a body. Others felt it was unethical to operate on healthy humans, and respected editors of medical journals wrote that it was contrary to the Hippocratic Oath's vow to never do harm to anyone, Murray said.

But Herrick never wavered and the operation went on as planned with no complications. Richard Herrick met his future wife, Clare, in the recovery room, where she was a nursing supervisor.

"He was the only one in the world who could save his brother's life, so he was going to do it," said Cynthia Herrick. "There was no question about it."

Copyright 2010 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. 12/29/2010 2:11:32 PM ET

 

Trina

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! Trina is a MATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Dad just passed his test which means he is good to go for PAIRED DONATION!!!!!!! It is all coming together! Thank you Trina and Thank you Dad! I don't know what I would do without this gift.

Ihatedialysis.com

I was just on Ihatedialysis.com and I read something that a spouse/caregiver wrote and it hit me...


You don't even know how to cook with salt

You stare at their ankles discretely to see if they are underdialyzed

You worry about their fistula when they cut their hand

You jump out of bed when you hear beep beep

You pretend not to notice when they just have to have fries and a shake

You secretly wonder if they have taken their meds, and check the bottles when they are in the shower.

You can tell when they are faking not feeling well to get out of something, and you know when they are faking feeling well in order to do something - and you let them get away with both anyway.

You secretly study everything you can about their disease, but you act dumb when they explain something to you.

You lay awake at night terrified about how alone you will feel if something happened to them, and you cry.


I just thought this was a very sweet a dedicated women,

Miracle

Well it is a Christmas Miracle! Santa must be real because my Christmas gift has been coming true times 3! My dad has been flying through with colors for the paired donation and Trina gets her blood drawn on Tuesday AND her mom said if something falls through with her then she is up next she is O negative. This is the most amazing gift a person can give you and to give it to someone you have never met but knows that they can give you one of there spare parts just so you can have your life back....it is so hard for me to put in words. Today when I called Trina I had so much I wanted to say but I could not find the words and then I started crying and was just holding it in because I didn't want to be a basket case the first time we spoke. I just want all three of them to know that this means more to me then I can even explain. This is the best Christmas of my life and the most meaningful and now I can honestly say I know what the true meaning of giving is this year. Thank you so much for all of your support. I know we have all been waiting for this. Tonight when I called my mom and dad and told them about Trina's mom my mom was so happy she was so overwhelmed with joy she started crying and telling me this is all they wanted for Christmas. I love her so much and I felt what she was feeling right there in that moment. Thank you...

Surprise

Well Saturday my mom called me and told me she wanted to take me out to lunch but didn't say where. Steven drove us to Macyo's I turned the corner and there was my entire family including my DAD!!!! I bursted into tears and ran to him. I was not expecting that in a million years. That was the best birthday present I could have ever asked for. I wish my step-mom could have been there but I know it is hard for both of them to leave because of the puppies. Even Char was there the little shit knew about it and didn't spill the beans her and I were both shocked...HAHAHA. Char even planned on us going to the game today which is fun but SO LOUD. My dad is also finishing his testing tomorrow so that right there is the best gift. It was really great to see my dad I miss him so much. OH and my sissy made the BEST cupcakes EVER! VANILLA BEAN!!!! It was great thought Aunt Debbie, Grandma and Grandpa Shelley, Grandpa Flynn, Lins,Shorty,Tommy,Nancy,Laura,Grady,Mikey,Char, and Sassy. This really was a great surprise and I will remember it forever. Well I am going to go to bed because my head is killing me from the game but here are some pictures. I will be back tomorrow with the news from my dad.

Saturday Night

Well it has been a long week! I was trying to re coupe from a extremely busy holiday. Meghan and Merrick came down for Thanksgiving which was great we played Cranium which was a blast. I didn't eat very much on Thanksgiving I was not feeling all that great. To be honest this whole week was a little rough but come to find out I was not feeling good because I was holding in fluid and that just made me feel like complete shit but it is going away with the 2.5 bags. My sissy Lins and I went shopping on Thursday which was so nice I missed her so much and am so excited that she moved back. Today we went to see Burlesque IT WAS WONDERFUL! Christina and Cher were fabulous! Since I had such a busy couple weeks tonight I am just resting, such a fun Saturday night. Maybe I will watch a movie and then go to bed I am pretty tired. Still have not heard anything new about the person who could possibly be a match, my dad's contract is almost finished so he will be down here soon to finish his testing. Derek and Treena are still 100% on board to still get testing done if something doesn't work out. I just think it is so amazing how people who have never met you are ready and willing to give you a part of them.

Feelin bad

Since Thanksgiving I have really been feeling bad...I didn't really eat anything on Thanksgiving I actually fell asleep on my mom's couch. My body is just feeling warn down and tired. My weight has gone up 5lbs and my BP has been high. I am not real sure what is going on with my body and it is starting to scare me a little. Another weird think is my vision I am starting to see blurry. I don't know what is going on with me but it just doesn't feel right. I wish I could just take a break from work and life, I am just so tired and drained. Well I am going to go lay down I need some rest.

Happy Kidney Day

OMG! My dad just called me with the greatest news x's 2! He got a call from Winnie today and we may have a match the other individual that is donating needs to loose 5lbs!!!!!! So my dad would donate his kidney and I would get the kidney from that persons donor...Does that make any sense or am I just rambling?  Oh my gosh so many emotions running threw my head I am so happy right now and I am crying like a baby. Second best news of the day my step-moms sister Colleen's son's girlfriend has offered to donate her kidney to me she is O negative which is FANTASTIC! It is so amazing to me that a total stranger would offer the gift of life to someone they have never met. That is a true angel in  my eyes. This is the BEST Thanksgiving! To add to the great day Meghan and Merrick are going to be here in 3 hours! WOO HOO! This is one of the happiest days of my life and I wanted to share it with everyone! Now I am going to run up and down my street! HAPPY KIDNEY DAY!

Better day

Well today was a better day. One of the individuals at work who hurt my feelings apologized for being a BUTT(you know who you are BOB). Heatlh wise I was feeling better but I am having some tightness in my chest, I think I am having fluid overload. Which means I will end up using a 2.5 bag tonight so I can take some extra fluid off tomorrow morning. I hate this feeling...feels like you breathed in water and you are drowning very slowly. Nice thought, huh? But it is a very easy fix because of the dextrose. I got a call from Johnna and she said that I can stop my EPO shots for right now because I am at 14.5 which is way over and my potassium is 5.4 which is HIGH the last time it was that high I was admitted into the hospital and they shoved a bunch of medicine in me that made me do not so pleasant things...if you know what I mean. HAHA to much information. It sucks when my potassium is high because I don't get to have fresh fruits and I LOVE APPLES!!!! But again an easy fix just have to stay away from high potassium foods for a couple days pop a laxative and drank a shit load of water and I will be back to eating apples by Monday. Well it is time to go take my meds and go hook up. Sleep tight all.

Not the best day

Today was just a crappy day. You know when you just have enough? Add that with a hose in the belly...and let me tell you. Work is getting more and more stressful mostly because of people and I was just not feeling all that well I was having some pain in my belly and I still have it. My stomach keeps spasming is the best way I can explain it. Not sure why it is happening but hopefully it will stop shortly. Have not heard any more news from my dad about the paired donation which means he has heard nothing because I know he would have called if he heard something. I just want to get back to a normal life. I am just so sick and tired of this but honestly I think work is making it worse, with the days I am having it's not helping this whole dialysis issue. I just need to be able to take a step back breath and try to just get through this. I am just hoping my dad gets that call soon. I'm tired...

It's been really hard

It has been a couple days since I have been on the blog. I really have not been taking my Dad's denial very well. I have actually been taking it pretty bad. I understand that paired donation is a wonderful alternative but I just hate dialysis. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not that bad but it sucks. They keep having me do a Quality of Life quiz at the dialysis center and it keeps coming back that I am not handling dialysis very well. But tell me how the hell am I suppose to handle this? I am fricken depressed. I really thought my dad would be my donor and I would be done with this. I cry every day and I get panic attack just thinking about it. I wish my parents were here right now I know they would be if I asked but I don't want them to know that this is just killing me inside. I feel so beat right now. I am hoping when my sister Lins gets here my spirits will change because she will be spending time with me and keeping my mind busy plus Meghan will be here in 10 days. I just need to try and pick myself up and stop being so sad because I can't change the outcome of the cross matching and my dad is calling them every other day to make sure they don't forget about us. I just hope it is soon I thought life was hard before...HA! It was a piece of cake I was just a drama queen. I am not saying life is so hard right now it is just different from before and more stressful but I still have hope. My dad is going to make someones dreams and wishes come true when he gives them life and there donor is going to give me my dreams and wishes when they give me life. That is the most precious gift anyone can ever give and receive.

Bloody bag

Last night as I was doing my last transfer I looked down and saw that I had blood in my bag and let me tell you that scared the hell out of me. I called the on call nurse and was freaking out she said it was either me ovulating or I lifted something way to heavyand broke capillaries. Guess what...I broke capillaries in my peritoneal cavity. See Monday I lifted my cooler filled with 5 of my bags and that is WAY to much weight for me. So now I am putting Heparin in each one of my bags so I don't get my hose clogged. So to anyone who will ever have to do PD listen to them and don't lift anything over 10lbs because it is not just scary seeing the blood it also doesn't feel good, my stomach keeps on spasming and I am having pain. It is so not worth it.
I am hanging in there with everything that has happened this week but it is going to take me a little bit of time to take it all in and come to terms with it but I know with the help of my family I will get through it. I just need time.

Results

Well my dad called me last night around 5 and told me the cross matching came back... My antibodies are fighting so hard that they killed my dads which means he can not donate to me. We cried a lot expecially me I couldn't stop. But my dad has signed up to be apart of the "paired matching" which means he can donate to someone who has a donor and is in the same situation as me. It is a huge positive but at the same time still painful. So if anyone knows anyone who is willing to get tested and is an O please let me know and I will get you all the info. Today was pretty rough I kept to myself and was pretty quiet cried a little at my desk. I am just so heart broken so disappionted. I just don't want to do this anymore I really thought it was going to all happen in December and I would be done with dialysis. But my dad told me I need to fight hard like my blood. I just wish my dad was here right now. I love you dad.

Garden day

So today I decided to start a garden. It took my mind of things for awhile and it looks great! My mom found this beautiful metal candle holder thing that I snatched from her and that is in the middle so when I go out at night it is nice and relaxing. My weekend was good I got to rest a lot which I absolutly loved because I really needed it. Bad news though I am getting a sore throat which means I have to choke down some Goldenseal stuff taste like absolute shit but it helps so much with infection. Well I better go take a bag out and get ready to do a transfer. Say a little prayer for me my dads cross mathching results come in this week.

15 DOWN

Well my dad called and he passed 15 tests they ran with his blood work. Now we are just holding our out to see how the cross matching goes, we should hear back around Friday. I wish I could say I can breath finally but there is still that chance he can get rejected. It feels like a little weight is lifted but not much. I am just so tired right now I just wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep until we get all the answers. I am just trying to take all of this day by day but it is just so difficult. My dad says it is all my nerves making be feel like shit and I think he is totally right. I think with the stress from being busy at work and being tired added with the waiting it just gets me nauseous. Hopefully this weekend I can just relax and try to take a step back from all of this.

Each day

Each day seems to be getting harder and harder mentally and emotionally. My body is so warn out and tired and my mind is constantly going. I keep thinking about my dad's test results and what are they going to show? Will he really be able to donate and if not I don't know what I will do. I can barley concentrate  because I am so tired and I just don't feel good. I want to scream I GIVE UP!!!!! I am a big dumbass QUITTER!. I feel so lost and so alone now, I feel so pathetic. I am just really close to being done with this shit. I feel like I am spinning out of control and I can't seem to stop.

Halloween

Hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween!! We stayed home and handed out candy. Wish I could of had a bunch of chocolate bars but they have to much phosphates so maybe next year. I wanted to share a picture of me and Max ( he was dressed as a spider) lol he didn't love it as much as I did.

Rough Day

It's Friday which is wonderful!!! But this week has been very stressful with work and I have just been beyond tired. To add to this week I have been waiting for Monday to come because my dad is doing the cross matching and I just want to know now. I feel like my mind is going and going, feel like it has not stopped in a week. On top of it I am just starting to feel alone not sure why but I am just lonely. To be honest I want to go home get into bed and cry. But of course I can't I have to go home do dialysis do my shot and do dialysis again then go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. It is a never ending cycle that most days I am fine with but then there are days like this where I want to scream, punch a wall or just cry like crazy. These are the days that I dread the most. I just hope these feelings go away soon and I hope my dad's cross matching comes out in favor of me. Not sure how much more I can keep going full throttle.

New websites

Hello all...I have created a new area on my blog. It is called Fabulous all Natural ways to help prevent and reverse renal failure. I want everyone to take a look at it maybe you can all put at least one of these into your every day life. Even if you are no in renal failure you can still do it because with age your kidney function does decrease. Plus renal disease is "silent" most of the time so stop it before it even starts.If I would have just listened to my step-mom when she said to just do it maybe I would not be where I am now. My step-mom said she will keep searching for any new ideas. What is the worst that can happen you can at least say you tried. So go ahead take a look a try some out. I am going to try the Dry skin first! Let me know what you try and how it is working out for you. If anyone else comes up with anything new feel free to share. Remember it will not help you if you don't stay consistent. I just want to thank my step-mom for being such a strong supporter with this whole thing. Every time I had a problem she was right there looking up an answer. She is still trying to find a way to reverse my renal failure while trying to get my dads kidney as healthy as possible. This one is for you! Thank you for everything you have done and keep doing I feel all of your energy you keep throwing my way.

Past my bedtime

I know it is way past my bedtime but I can't stop thinking about my life and how it turned out. I am the first to admit that I was the biggest spoiled rotten brat for the longest time and I didn't care about anyone but myself and then I got sick and realized life is to short and the people who love me are not going to be here for me if I keep treating them the way I did. Take my dad and step-mom I took them for granted so much and didn't care about there feelings or thoughts and just put them through crap and never took responsiblity for it and they are still here standing right next to me through this entire journey my dad is even offering his kidney to me a piece of him just so I can live a some what "normal" life. I just wonder what did I do to deserve my dad even doing this? He already gave up so much for me and now I am asking him for a vital organ lol. It's just weird to me how I was such a little witch for so long and then I do a 380 when I am told I am sick. The day I found out I was sick it seemed like everything just stopped and the stupid petty bullshit that use to run my life was childish and a waste of 10 years. I am just terrifed that my dad will be denied and I will have to be like this for a while. To be honest the look doesn't bother me anymore it's the time and energy...I either feel like I have no time or I am so tired I can't even see straight...I just want a break from it all but I know right now it's now possible. I just know that my dad has past the "easy" testing and the hard stuff is ahead, Meghan got this far and plus then was told no and I just don't know if I can handle hearing that again. Wait I want to rephrase that I don't want to hear that again but if I do then God has other plans for me and I will just have to wait a little longer. But at least this whole experience has brought me closer to my family, Meghan and I didn't have a relationship before this and now I can't go a day with out texting her she is my best friend, my Aunt Debbie who has been by my side since the day I had this sucker put in, my Mom who bless her heart is so lost because she can't fix me, and my Dad and Step-mom who from thousands of miles away make it a nightly routine to call me just to say good night and don't forget the kidney my dad is trying to give me. It would be an honor and the most amazing gift anyone can ever receive or give it's the gift of life. I know Sas has had a real hard time with this but he understands that this is the biggest and longest obstacle that I/we together will have to go through. I can't imagine how he feels watching me day in and day out and have his hands tied to where he can't do a thing for me but hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok just take it all day by day.So I will take it day by day and just keep meditating and praying and no matter what I will find peace with in me no matter what the outcome may be.

Good news!!!!

My Dad just called and told me he is on to step 5!!!!!!! He passed his physical with flying colors! Next is blood work to check for any diseases or anything abnormal. Let me tell you this is the scariest rollercoster I have ever been on and will ever be on. I am a big ball of emotions along with it. I am so nervous yet so excited. I am so happy right now my dad is one of the healthest people I know...my step-mom is the first so I know my dad is in GREAT hands with her getting him into the best shape inside and out. My new kidney is right around the corner!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait til I hear "Kristin you have a kidney."

Been a couple days

Well it has been a couple days since I have wrote anything. Let's see Saturday we went to Peter Piper Pizza and after that I was drained but before that was doing pretty good. Sunday slept a lot my grandparents came by and dropped me off a pumpkin roll which was wonderful. The one bad thing that happend on Sunday night was my exit sight started bleeding which freaked me out but I went to get blood work done today and they think it can be on of 3, I yanked my hose, cuff infection, or my cuff has moved forward. I am suppose to watch it and do salt water soaks for the next week. I also got my flu shot today while I was there because they recomend we get it because our immune system is so bad as is. Suppose to keep an eye on my dizzy spells too. I go to clinic on Monday so we will see what they say.

I realized something

We went to Toys R Us to get Keyan his birthday present. As I am standing in line I am watching these kids run around the store and I realize I will never have that. It has finally hit me that kids are probably not in the cards for me. I feel a pit in the middle of my stomach. I never thought I wanted kids but I do...my ticker is a ticken. I know right now I would not be a good parent because I am always tired and I never feel good and it's not fair to a child. I just wonder if maybe i'll get the chance? I did not think it bothered me that much but it really does. I want to be a mom someday and I just hope I will get the chance.

I CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF!!!!! WOO HOO!

Dehydration or Fluid overload

Last night was a bad night for me. My head hurt so bad and my legs kept cramping and throbbing. I had to lay in bed with an ice pack on my head and rub my legs. I am not sure if I was dehydrated or if I had fluid overload. My BP whas 142/94 and to be honest I just felt really bad. My dad called in the middle of this and I just started crying I said "my head hurts,I am so tired, my legs hurt, and I just looked in the mirror and I look sick pale skin and my eyes were red all around. I looked like a zombie. My dad told me that I need to be drinking more water with chia seeds in them which the chia seeds don't bother me they are just slimy and get stuck in your throat. I promised my dad I would drink more and add chia seeds. I can't stand doing this stuff alone so I always ask people at work if they want to join me and for once Ryan and Char both said they would drink them too. I am sure Char will be commenting on how much she enjoyed them hahahaha. I am feeling a little better today still really tired and my legs still hurt but it is FRIDAY so I can go home and hopefully take a little nap to catch up on some much needed sleep. Thanks again to Char and Ryan for being a team player with the chia seeds!!!

Dizzy spells

If anyone could help me out I would really apprciate it. For the past 2 weeks or so I have been getting dizzy spells and not really sure why. I go to the dialysis center on Monday but i is really starting to bother me and I am afraid I am going to pass out while I am out work. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas I am all ears!

Wednesday night

Just sitting here tired but really wanting to watch Criminal Minds which means my last transfer will be later. My dad is up next for possibly donating to me. So far we are both O positive! Tomorrow he goes and gets a physical to see how is weight,blood pressure, and all together health is. I'm terrified...feel like I am going to be sick...I'm scared something is going to go wrong and he won't be able to donate, not really sure how I can handle another blow like that. I don't want to do dialysis anymore, I am just so tired. I know I should not think negitive but it is hard. When Meghan was denied I felt like someone punched me in the stomach...I could't breath. I don't want to feel that type of pain again. I keep trying to not get my hopes up like I did with Meghan but it is so hard. It is just so hard to comprehend how one person can change your life forever, my dad can give me life again and I don't want it to be ripped away. I took advantage of life for to long and wasted so much when I should have been cherishing every moment. I never wanted to be sick but I have to look at it like some kind of bizzare blessing because I am a different person now and I love the person I have become even though I am a wreck half the time. My dad and I have never been closer and that means more to me than anything, he is willing to give me a piece of him so I can live a some what normal life whatever normal is. Keep me in your thoughts tonight...Send me some of your positive energy...whatever you can spare.

Life's Hand

I sit here and wonder what I did that was so bad? Why am I the one that got this disease? Who did I hurt so bad that I was branded with this life? Then I think why not me, what the hell is so special about me. I kept beating myself up when I first started dialysis I kept saying "why me" but to be honest there is no reason that someone else should have to do dialysis instead of me. I always say if God brings you to it he knows you can get through it, but what if I can't? Is he sure that I am strong enough mentally. I have seen many people at the dialysis center and in my eyes they are so much stronger, they go 3 times a week and sit there for like 5 or 6 hours...that is patience. It takes me about 30 mins and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. It's just sad to me that for so long I thought I did something to deserve this when really that is not how it goes. We all get dealt the hand we're given and we need to play it til it is over no matter how long or short it is.

One of those days

Today is just one of those days...I can't seem to get out of my funk. I woke up late and was so tired as I was doing my first transfer for the day, which I hate because I always think I am going to forget a step. Work is slow and I can't stand it but what can you do but just suck it up and go on. It seems to be getting harder and harder to come to work. I know I need my health insurance and the paycheck but I am tired. My legs hurt all the time I have been getting flank pain. It is all just becoming so overwhelming and I am not sure how much more I can endure. Everyone asks how I am and my answer is always "I am just so tired I need a break, a time out." I just didn't expect it to get this hard physically and mentally.

Meghan

You called me when you found out I was going into renal failure at the time I was a little shocked and unsure pretty much because I had no idea what the future had in store for me. I was terrified and you told me you would be here if I needed anything even if I needed you to fly down here. You were the first to get tested and we were both beyond devistated when you walked in the door and said you were denied. But like I told you in the beginning the only thing that mattered to me is that you tried. Not many people will even do that. That day I felt like someone punched me in the stomach I couldn't breath I felt as if my life was just about to end. But then you and I sat outside had a glass of wine and shared a smoke...cried a little more and a little more and a little more. I didn't want to show you how much pain I really felt because I didn't want you to feel bad for anything because you did everything you physically could and that means the world to me and I will forever be greatful. You are not only my cousin but my best friend. I love you Meghan!!!!!!!!!

Thinking change

I am thinking about chopping off my hair...I feel like I need to do something that I have control over and that is pretty much the only thing I have full control over and I just feel like I should do it so I can turn around and say yes it was my doing, my choice. I hate not having control of my body, my time, my flippin life! It is a little funny to me that the one thing in my life right now that is not controlled by dialysis is my hair. I need to try and find some kind of humar with this. I know if I don't I will go CRAZY!

First time

This is my first time writing on my blog. I might as well start off by saying thank you to my cousin Meghan for suggesting this. Every day I wake up at 5am to start dialysis then 4 hours later at 10am I do it again 6 hours later at 4pm I do it again last time 4 hours later at 9pm I do it again. As you can see it is very repetitive. I can't stand it...To be honest I didn't think it would be this bad but it just seems like every day is getting harder and harder. I feel like I am in a boxing match and I am getting my ass kicked and I can't get up. I keep trying to stay positive but since Meghan got denied to be my donor I just feel hopeless and it's not her fault I would not want her to jeoperdize her health for mine. I just really thought she would be the one. Now my dad is being tested and I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up because I don't want to feel that blow again. I am just so tired, tired of stopping and going,tired of not getting enough rest, Im tired of fighting this fight that feels never ending and I sound so pathetic because I just started dialysis 5 months ago...