Kidney Wings My Journey: Past my bedtime

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Past my bedtime

I know it is way past my bedtime but I can't stop thinking about my life and how it turned out. I am the first to admit that I was the biggest spoiled rotten brat for the longest time and I didn't care about anyone but myself and then I got sick and realized life is to short and the people who love me are not going to be here for me if I keep treating them the way I did. Take my dad and step-mom I took them for granted so much and didn't care about there feelings or thoughts and just put them through crap and never took responsiblity for it and they are still here standing right next to me through this entire journey my dad is even offering his kidney to me a piece of him just so I can live a some what "normal" life. I just wonder what did I do to deserve my dad even doing this? He already gave up so much for me and now I am asking him for a vital organ lol. It's just weird to me how I was such a little witch for so long and then I do a 380 when I am told I am sick. The day I found out I was sick it seemed like everything just stopped and the stupid petty bullshit that use to run my life was childish and a waste of 10 years. I am just terrifed that my dad will be denied and I will have to be like this for a while. To be honest the look doesn't bother me anymore it's the time and energy...I either feel like I have no time or I am so tired I can't even see straight...I just want a break from it all but I know right now it's now possible. I just know that my dad has past the "easy" testing and the hard stuff is ahead, Meghan got this far and plus then was told no and I just don't know if I can handle hearing that again. Wait I want to rephrase that I don't want to hear that again but if I do then God has other plans for me and I will just have to wait a little longer. But at least this whole experience has brought me closer to my family, Meghan and I didn't have a relationship before this and now I can't go a day with out texting her she is my best friend, my Aunt Debbie who has been by my side since the day I had this sucker put in, my Mom who bless her heart is so lost because she can't fix me, and my Dad and Step-mom who from thousands of miles away make it a nightly routine to call me just to say good night and don't forget the kidney my dad is trying to give me. It would be an honor and the most amazing gift anyone can ever receive or give it's the gift of life. I know Sas has had a real hard time with this but he understands that this is the biggest and longest obstacle that I/we together will have to go through. I can't imagine how he feels watching me day in and day out and have his hands tied to where he can't do a thing for me but hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok just take it all day by day.So I will take it day by day and just keep meditating and praying and no matter what I will find peace with in me no matter what the outcome may be.

5 comments:

MegOctober 21, 2010 at 10:52 AM
Its 360 dumbass : ) hehehe Everything happens for a reason and like I told you when I first called, it's a shitty way and time to begin a relationship but better late than never. I'm sorry it took this to finally bring us close but it did and I am so thankful for the best friend that I have gained. God really does work in mysterious ways... but you are so strong and you can get through it.
And it is amazing you have used this opportunity to make you a better person. You could have easily just become a bigger brat because with everything going on you have a right to be.
LOVE YOU
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AnonymousOctober 22, 2010 at 10:47 AM
It takes a big person to admit they can see improvements they need to make in their life. People are selfish, myself included. I just try to set aside the small stuff and be the best I can be. Best wishes. Ken
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Aunt MayoOctober 23, 2010 at 3:42 PM
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers, my little Kristin. I dont know why this happened to you. I have had alot happen in my life, and I too, have questioned God. We just have to believe that he has a greater plan for all of us. Glad to hear your dad is being tested, I am calling on Monday to start the testing process. Hopefully this old O-negative body can help you.
Luv you,
Aunt "Mayo"
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GJbeanOctober 23, 2010 at 3:51 PM
I give you credit. Anyone in this situation has the right to be mad. Ahhhh baby you really weren't that bad. We always had a good time around you. But it takes a really big person to say I was wrong. And I give you props for that. You continue to be in our prayers at mass. Aunt JoAnne
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AnonymousOctober 25, 2010 at 12:47 PM
I have looked up to you since I was a little beano and I still do. You are such a strong person and your strength through all of this just encourages me to be a better person. I miss you every day and think about you all the time. It hurts me to see you like this and I am mad at myself for not talking to you as much, you have always been a big sister to me but everything happens for a reason and just know that you are always in my prayers. I love you more than anything and you are an AMAZING person.

Love always,
Beano:)
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10 Symptoms of Kidney Disease

Symptom 1: Changes in Urination

Kidneys make urine, so when the kidneys are failing, the urine may change. How?

■ You may have to get up at night to urinate.
■ Urine may be foamy or bubbly. You may urinate more often, or in greater amounts than usual, with pale urine.
■ You may urinate less often, or in smaller amounts than usual with dark colored urine.
■ Your urine may contain blood.
■ You may feel pressure or have difficulty urinating.

What patients said:
"When you go to use the restroom, you couldn't get it all out. And it would still feel just like tightness down there, there was so much pressure."
"My urine is what I had started noticing. Then I was frequently going to the bathroom, and when I got there, nothing's happening. You think, 'Hey, I've got to go to the john,' and you get there: two, three drops."
"I was passing blood in my urine. It was so dark it looked like grape Kool-Aid. And when I went to the hospital they thought I was lying about what color it was."
Symptom 2: Swelling
Failing kidneys don't remove extra fluid, which builds up in your body causing swelling in the legs, ankles, feet, face, and/or hands.

What patients said:
"I remember a lot of swelling in my ankles. My ankles were so big I couldn't get my shoes on."
"My sister, her hair started to fall out, she was losing weight, but her face was really puffy, you know, and everything like that, before she found out what was going on with her."
"Going to work one morning, my left ankle was swollen, real swollen, and I was very exhausted just walking to the bus stop. And I knew then that I had to see a doctor."
Symptom 3: Fatigue
Healthy kidneys make a hormone called erythropoietin (a-rith'-ro-po'-uh-tin) that tells your body to make oxygen-carrying red blood cells. As the kidneys fail, they make less erythropoietin. With fewer red blood cells to carry oxygen, your muscles and brain become tired very quickly. This condition is called anemia, and it can be treated.

What patients said:
"I was constantly exhausted and didn't have any pep or anything."
"I would sleep a lot. I'd come home from work and get right in that bed."
"It's just like when you're extremely tired all the time. Fatigued, and you're just drained, even if you didn't do anything, just totally drained."
Symptom 4: Skin Rash/Itching
Kidneys remove wastes from the bloodstream. When the kidneys fail, the buildup of wastes in your blood can cause severe itching.

What patients said:
"It's not really a skin itch or anything, it's just right down to the bone. I had to get a brush and dig. My back was just bloody from scratching it so much."
"My skin had broke out, I was itching and scratching a lot."
Symptom 5: Metallic Taste in Mouth/Ammonia Breath
A buildup of wastes in the blood (called uremia) can make food taste different and cause bad breath. You may also notice that you stop liking to eat meat, or that you are losing weight because you just don't feel like eating.

What patients said:
"Foul taste in your mouth. Almost like you're drinking iron."
"You don't have the appetite you used to have."
"Before I started dialysis, I must have lost around about 10 pounds."
Symptom 6: Nausea and Vomiting
A severe buildup of wastes in the blood (uremia) can also cause nausea and vomiting. Loss of appetite can lead to weight loss.

What patients said:
"I had a lot of itching, and I was nauseated, throwing up all the time. I couldn't keep anything down in my stomach."
"When I got the nausea, I couldn't eat and I had a hard time taking my blood pressure pills."
Symptom 7: Shortness of Breath
Trouble catching your breath can be related to the kidneys in two ways. First, extra fluid in the body can build up in the lungs. And second, anemia (a shortage of oxygen-carrying red blood cells) can leave your body oxygen-starved and short of breath.

What patients said:
"At the times when I get the shortness of breath, it's alarming to me. It just fears me. I think maybe I might fall or something so I usually go sit down for awhile."
"I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't catch my breath, like I was drowning or something. And, the bloating, can't breathe, can't walk anywhere. It was bad."
"You go up a set of stairs and you're out of breath, or you do work and you get tired and you have to stop."
Symptom 8: Feeling Cold
Anemia can make you feel cold all the time, even in a warm room.

What patients said:
"I notice sometimes I get really cold, I get chills."
"Sometimes I get really, really cold. It could be hot, and I'd be cold."
Symptom 9: Dizziness and Trouble Concentrating
Anemia related to kidney failure means that your brain is not getting enough oxygen. This can lead to memory problems, trouble with concentration, and dizziness.

What patients said:
"I know I mentioned to my wife that my memory—I couldn't remember what I did last week, or maybe what I had 2 days ago. I couldn't really concentrate, because I like to work crossword puzzles and read a lot."
"I was always tired and dizzy."
"It got to the point, like, I used to be at work, and all of the sudden I'd start getting dizzy. So I was thinking maybe it was my blood pressure or else diabetes was going bad. That's what was on my mind."
Symptom 10: Leg/Flank Pain
Some people with kidney problems may have pain in the back or side related to the affected kidney. Polycystic kidney disease, which causes large, fluid-filled cysts on the kidneys and sometimes the liver, can cause pain.

What patients said:
"About 2 years ago, I was constantly going to the bathroom all the time, the lower part of my back was always hurting and I was wondering why...and they diagnosed that kidney problem."
"And then you're having to get up all time through the night, and then you have the side ache, a backache, and you can't move."
"At night, I would get a pain in my side. It was worse than labor pain. And I'd be crying and my husband would get up, everybody, rubbing my legs."

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Past my bedtime

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AZ Kidney Foundation/ IGA Nephropathy Support

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10 Symptoms of Kidney Disease