Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I know it is way past my bedtime but I can't stop thinking about my life and how it turned out. I am the first to admit that I was the biggest spoiled rotten brat for the longest time and I didn't care about anyone but myself and then I got sick and realized life is to short and the people who love me are not going to be here for me if I keep treating them the way I did. Take my dad and step-mom I took them for granted so much and didn't care about there feelings or thoughts and just put them through crap and never took responsiblity for it and they are still here standing right next to me through this entire journey my dad is even offering his kidney to me a piece of him just so I can live a some what "normal" life. I just wonder what did I do to deserve my dad even doing this? He already gave up so much for me and now I am asking him for a vital organ lol. It's just weird to me how I was such a little witch for so long and then I do a 380 when I am told I am sick. The day I found out I was sick it seemed like everything just stopped and the stupid petty bullshit that use to run my life was childish and a waste of 10 years. I am just terrifed that my dad will be denied and I will have to be like this for a while. To be honest the look doesn't bother me anymore it's the time and energy...I either feel like I have no time or I am so tired I can't even see straight...I just want a break from it all but I know right now it's now possible. I just know that my dad has past the "easy" testing and the hard stuff is ahead, Meghan got this far and plus then was told no and I just don't know if I can handle hearing that again. Wait I want to rephrase that I don't want to hear that again but if I do then God has other plans for me and I will just have to wait a little longer. But at least this whole experience has brought me closer to my family, Meghan and I didn't have a relationship before this and now I can't go a day with out texting her she is my best friend, my Aunt Debbie who has been by my side since the day I had this sucker put in, my Mom who bless her heart is so lost because she can't fix me, and my Dad and Step-mom who from thousands of miles away make it a nightly routine to call me just to say good night and don't forget the kidney my dad is trying to give me. It would be an honor and the most amazing gift anyone can ever receive or give it's the gift of life. I know Sas has had a real hard time with this but he understands that this is the biggest and longest obstacle that I/we together will have to go through. I can't imagine how he feels watching me day in and day out and have his hands tied to where he can't do a thing for me but hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok just take it all day by day.So I will take it day by day and just keep meditating and praying and no matter what I will find peace with in me no matter what the outcome may be.
Posted by Kristin at 9:45 PM