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I need an out sometimes and so I created this blog.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Rough Day

It's Friday which is wonderful!!! But this week has been very stressful with work and I have just been beyond tired. To add to this week I have been waiting for Monday to come because my dad is doing the cross matching and I just want to know now. I feel like my mind is going and going, feel like it has not stopped in a week. On top of it I am just starting to feel alone not sure why but I am just lonely. To be honest I want to go home get into bed and cry. But of course I can't I have to go home do dialysis do my shot and do dialysis again then go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. It is a never ending cycle that most days I am fine with but then there are days like this where I want to scream, punch a wall or just cry like crazy. These are the days that I dread the most. I just hope these feelings go away soon and I hope my dad's cross matching comes out in favor of me. Not sure how much more I can keep going full throttle.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

New websites

Hello all...I have created a new area on my blog. It is called Fabulous all Natural ways to help prevent and reverse renal failure. I want everyone to take a look at it maybe you can all put at least one of these into your every day life. Even if you are no in renal failure you can still do it because with age your kidney function does decrease. Plus renal disease is "silent" most of the time so stop it before it even starts.If I would have just listened to my step-mom when she said to just do it maybe I would not be where I am now. My step-mom said she will keep searching for any new ideas. What is the worst that can happen you can at least say you tried. So go ahead take a look a try some out. I am going to try the Dry skin first! Let me know what you try and how it is working out for you. If anyone else comes up with anything new feel free to share. Remember it will not help you if you don't stay consistent. I just want to thank my step-mom for being such a strong supporter with this whole thing. Every time I had a problem she was right there looking up an answer. She is still trying to find a way to reverse my renal failure while trying to get my dads kidney as healthy as possible. This one is for you! Thank you for everything you have done and keep doing I feel all of your energy you keep throwing my way.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Past my bedtime

I know it is way past my bedtime but I can't stop thinking about my life and how it turned out. I am the first to admit that I was the biggest spoiled rotten brat for the longest time and I didn't care about anyone but myself and then I got sick and realized life is to short and the people who love me are not going to be here for me if I keep treating them the way I did. Take my dad and step-mom I took them for granted so much and didn't care about there feelings or thoughts and just put them through crap and never took responsiblity for it and they are still here standing right next to me through this entire journey my dad is even offering his kidney to me a piece of him just so I can live a some what "normal" life. I just wonder what did I do to deserve my dad even doing this? He already gave up so much for me and now I am asking him for a vital organ lol. It's just weird to me how I was such a little witch for so long and then I do a 380 when I am told I am sick. The day I found out I was sick it seemed like everything just stopped and the stupid petty bullshit that use to run my life was childish and a waste of 10 years. I am just terrifed that my dad will be denied and I will have to be like this for a while. To be honest the look doesn't bother me anymore it's the time and energy...I either feel like I have no time or I am so tired I can't even see straight...I just want a break from it all but I know right now it's now possible. I just know that my dad has past the "easy" testing and the hard stuff is ahead, Meghan got this far and plus then was told no and I just don't know if I can handle hearing that again. Wait I want to rephrase that I don't want to hear that again but if I do then God has other plans for me and I will just have to wait a little longer. But at least this whole experience has brought me closer to my family, Meghan and I didn't have a relationship before this and now I can't go a day with out texting her she is my best friend, my Aunt Debbie who has been by my side since the day I had this sucker put in, my Mom who bless her heart is so lost because she can't fix me, and my Dad and Step-mom who from thousands of miles away make it a nightly routine to call me just to say good night and don't forget the kidney my dad is trying to give me. It would be an honor and the most amazing gift anyone can ever receive or give it's the gift of life. I know Sas has had a real hard time with this but he understands that this is the biggest and longest obstacle that I/we together will have to go through. I can't imagine how he feels watching me day in and day out and have his hands tied to where he can't do a thing for me but hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok just take it all day by day.So I will take it day by day and just keep meditating and praying and no matter what I will find peace with in me no matter what the outcome may be.

Good news!!!!

My Dad just called and told me he is on to step 5!!!!!!! He passed his physical with flying colors! Next is blood work to check for any diseases or anything abnormal. Let me tell you this is the scariest rollercoster I have ever been on and will ever be on. I am a big ball of emotions along with it. I am so nervous yet so excited. I am so happy right now my dad is one of the healthest people I know...my step-mom is the first so I know my dad is in GREAT hands with her getting him into the best shape inside and out. My new kidney is right around the corner!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait til I hear "Kristin you have a kidney."

Monday, October 18, 2010

Been a couple days

Well it has been a couple days since I have wrote anything. Let's see Saturday we went to Peter Piper Pizza and after that I was drained but before that was doing pretty good. Sunday slept a lot my grandparents came by and dropped me off a pumpkin roll which was wonderful. The one bad thing that happend on Sunday night was my exit sight started bleeding which freaked me out but I went to get blood work done today and they think it can be on of 3, I yanked my hose, cuff infection, or my cuff has moved forward. I am suppose to watch it and do salt water soaks for the next week. I also got my flu shot today while I was there because they recomend we get it because our immune system is so bad as is. Suppose to keep an eye on my dizzy spells too. I go to clinic on Monday so we will see what they say.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I realized something

We went to Toys R Us to get Keyan his birthday present. As I am standing in line I am watching these kids run around the store and I realize I will never have that. It has finally hit me that kids are probably not in the cards for me. I feel a pit in the middle of my stomach. I never thought I wanted kids but I do...my ticker is a ticken. I know right now I would not be a good parent because I am always tired and I never feel good and it's not fair to a child. I just wonder if maybe i'll get the chance? I did not think it bothered me that much but it really does. I want to be a mom someday and I just hope I will get the chance.


Dehydration or Fluid overload

Last night was a bad night for me. My head hurt so bad and my legs kept cramping and throbbing. I had to lay in bed with an ice pack on my head and rub my legs. I am not sure if I was dehydrated or if I had fluid overload. My BP whas 142/94 and to be honest I just felt really bad. My dad called in the middle of this and I just started crying I said "my head hurts,I am so tired, my legs hurt, and I just looked in the mirror and I look sick pale skin and my eyes were red all around. I looked like a zombie. My dad told me that I need to be drinking more water with chia seeds in them which the chia seeds don't bother me they are just slimy and get stuck in your throat. I promised my dad I would drink more and add chia seeds. I can't stand doing this stuff alone so I always ask people at work if they want to join me and for once Ryan and Char both said they would drink them too. I am sure Char will be commenting on how much she enjoyed them hahahaha. I am feeling a little better today still really tired and my legs still hurt but it is FRIDAY so I can go home and hopefully take a little nap to catch up on some much needed sleep. Thanks again to Char and Ryan for being a team player with the chia seeds!!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Dizzy spells

If anyone could help me out I would really apprciate it. For the past 2 weeks or so I have been getting dizzy spells and not really sure why. I go to the dialysis center on Monday but i is really starting to bother me and I am afraid I am going to pass out while I am out work. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas I am all ears!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wednesday night

Just sitting here tired but really wanting to watch Criminal Minds which means my last transfer will be later. My dad is up next for possibly donating to me. So far we are both O positive! Tomorrow he goes and gets a physical to see how is weight,blood pressure, and all together health is. I'm terrified...feel like I am going to be sick...I'm scared something is going to go wrong and he won't be able to donate, not really sure how I can handle another blow like that. I don't want to do dialysis anymore, I am just so tired. I know I should not think negitive but it is hard. When Meghan was denied I felt like someone punched me in the stomach...I could't breath. I don't want to feel that type of pain again. I keep trying to not get my hopes up like I did with Meghan but it is so hard. It is just so hard to comprehend how one person can change your life forever, my dad can give me life again and I don't want it to be ripped away. I took advantage of life for to long and wasted so much when I should have been cherishing every moment. I never wanted to be sick but I have to look at it like some kind of bizzare blessing because I am a different person now and I love the person I have become even though I am a wreck half the time. My dad and I have never been closer and that means more to me than anything, he is willing to give me a piece of him so I can live a some what normal life whatever normal is. Keep me in your thoughts tonight...Send me some of your positive energy...whatever you can spare.

Life's Hand

I sit here and wonder what I did that was so bad? Why am I the one that got this disease? Who did I hurt so bad that I was branded with this life? Then I think why not me, what the hell is so special about me. I kept beating myself up when I first started dialysis I kept saying "why me" but to be honest there is no reason that someone else should have to do dialysis instead of me. I always say if God brings you to it he knows you can get through it, but what if I can't? Is he sure that I am strong enough mentally. I have seen many people at the dialysis center and in my eyes they are so much stronger, they go 3 times a week and sit there for like 5 or 6 hours...that is patience. It takes me about 30 mins and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. It's just sad to me that for so long I thought I did something to deserve this when really that is not how it goes. We all get dealt the hand we're given and we need to play it til it is over no matter how long or short it is.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

One of those days

Today is just one of those days...I can't seem to get out of my funk. I woke up late and was so tired as I was doing my first transfer for the day, which I hate because I always think I am going to forget a step. Work is slow and I can't stand it but what can you do but just suck it up and go on. It seems to be getting harder and harder to come to work. I know I need my health insurance and the paycheck but I am tired. My legs hurt all the time I have been getting flank pain. It is all just becoming so overwhelming and I am not sure how much more I can endure. Everyone asks how I am and my answer is always "I am just so tired I need a break, a time out." I just didn't expect it to get this hard physically and mentally.

Monday, October 11, 2010


You called me when you found out I was going into renal failure at the time I was a little shocked and unsure pretty much because I had no idea what the future had in store for me. I was terrified and you told me you would be here if I needed anything even if I needed you to fly down here. You were the first to get tested and we were both beyond devistated when you walked in the door and said you were denied. But like I told you in the beginning the only thing that mattered to me is that you tried. Not many people will even do that. That day I felt like someone punched me in the stomach I couldn't breath I felt as if my life was just about to end. But then you and I sat outside had a glass of wine and shared a smoke...cried a little more and a little more and a little more. I didn't want to show you how much pain I really felt because I didn't want you to feel bad for anything because you did everything you physically could and that means the world to me and I will forever be greatful. You are not only my cousin but my best friend. I love you Meghan!!!!!!!!!

Thinking change

I am thinking about chopping off my hair...I feel like I need to do something that I have control over and that is pretty much the only thing I have full control over and I just feel like I should do it so I can turn around and say yes it was my doing, my choice. I hate not having control of my body, my time, my flippin life! It is a little funny to me that the one thing in my life right now that is not controlled by dialysis is my hair. I need to try and find some kind of humar with this. I know if I don't I will go CRAZY!

First time

This is my first time writing on my blog. I might as well start off by saying thank you to my cousin Meghan for suggesting this. Every day I wake up at 5am to start dialysis then 4 hours later at 10am I do it again 6 hours later at 4pm I do it again last time 4 hours later at 9pm I do it again. As you can see it is very repetitive. I can't stand it...To be honest I didn't think it would be this bad but it just seems like every day is getting harder and harder. I feel like I am in a boxing match and I am getting my ass kicked and I can't get up. I keep trying to stay positive but since Meghan got denied to be my donor I just feel hopeless and it's not her fault I would not want her to jeoperdize her health for mine. I just really thought she would be the one. Now my dad is being tested and I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up because I don't want to feel that blow again. I am just so tired, tired of stopping and going,tired of not getting enough rest, Im tired of fighting this fight that feels never ending and I sound so pathetic because I just started dialysis 5 months ago...