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I need an out sometimes and so I created this blog.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Feelin bad

Since Thanksgiving I have really been feeling bad...I didn't really eat anything on Thanksgiving I actually fell asleep on my mom's couch. My body is just feeling warn down and tired. My weight has gone up 5lbs and my BP has been high. I am not real sure what is going on with my body and it is starting to scare me a little. Another weird think is my vision I am starting to see blurry. I don't know what is going on with me but it just doesn't feel right. I wish I could just take a break from work and life, I am just so tired and drained. Well I am going to go lay down I need some rest.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Kidney Day

OMG! My dad just called me with the greatest news x's 2! He got a call from Winnie today and we may have a match the other individual that is donating needs to loose 5lbs!!!!!! So my dad would donate his kidney and I would get the kidney from that persons donor...Does that make any sense or am I just rambling?  Oh my gosh so many emotions running threw my head I am so happy right now and I am crying like a baby. Second best news of the day my step-moms sister Colleen's son's girlfriend has offered to donate her kidney to me she is O negative which is FANTASTIC! It is so amazing to me that a total stranger would offer the gift of life to someone they have never met. That is a true angel in  my eyes. This is the BEST Thanksgiving! To add to the great day Meghan and Merrick are going to be here in 3 hours! WOO HOO! This is one of the happiest days of my life and I wanted to share it with everyone! Now I am going to run up and down my street! HAPPY KIDNEY DAY!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Better day

Well today was a better day. One of the individuals at work who hurt my feelings apologized for being a BUTT(you know who you are BOB). Heatlh wise I was feeling better but I am having some tightness in my chest, I think I am having fluid overload. Which means I will end up using a 2.5 bag tonight so I can take some extra fluid off tomorrow morning. I hate this feeling...feels like you breathed in water and you are drowning very slowly. Nice thought, huh? But it is a very easy fix because of the dextrose. I got a call from Johnna and she said that I can stop my EPO shots for right now because I am at 14.5 which is way over and my potassium is 5.4 which is HIGH the last time it was that high I was admitted into the hospital and they shoved a bunch of medicine in me that made me do not so pleasant things...if you know what I mean. HAHA to much information. It sucks when my potassium is high because I don't get to have fresh fruits and I LOVE APPLES!!!! But again an easy fix just have to stay away from high potassium foods for a couple days pop a laxative and drank a shit load of water and I will be back to eating apples by Monday. Well it is time to go take my meds and go hook up. Sleep tight all.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Not the best day

Today was just a crappy day. You know when you just have enough? Add that with a hose in the belly...and let me tell you. Work is getting more and more stressful mostly because of people and I was just not feeling all that well I was having some pain in my belly and I still have it. My stomach keeps spasming is the best way I can explain it. Not sure why it is happening but hopefully it will stop shortly. Have not heard any more news from my dad about the paired donation which means he has heard nothing because I know he would have called if he heard something. I just want to get back to a normal life. I am just so sick and tired of this but honestly I think work is making it worse, with the days I am having it's not helping this whole dialysis issue. I just need to be able to take a step back breath and try to just get through this. I am just hoping my dad gets that call soon. I'm tired...

Monday, November 15, 2010

It's been really hard

It has been a couple days since I have been on the blog. I really have not been taking my Dad's denial very well. I have actually been taking it pretty bad. I understand that paired donation is a wonderful alternative but I just hate dialysis. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not that bad but it sucks. They keep having me do a Quality of Life quiz at the dialysis center and it keeps coming back that I am not handling dialysis very well. But tell me how the hell am I suppose to handle this? I am fricken depressed. I really thought my dad would be my donor and I would be done with this. I cry every day and I get panic attack just thinking about it. I wish my parents were here right now I know they would be if I asked but I don't want them to know that this is just killing me inside. I feel so beat right now. I am hoping when my sister Lins gets here my spirits will change because she will be spending time with me and keeping my mind busy plus Meghan will be here in 10 days. I just need to try and pick myself up and stop being so sad because I can't change the outcome of the cross matching and my dad is calling them every other day to make sure they don't forget about us. I just hope it is soon I thought life was hard before...HA! It was a piece of cake I was just a drama queen. I am not saying life is so hard right now it is just different from before and more stressful but I still have hope. My dad is going to make someones dreams and wishes come true when he gives them life and there donor is going to give me my dreams and wishes when they give me life. That is the most precious gift anyone can ever give and receive.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bloody bag

Last night as I was doing my last transfer I looked down and saw that I had blood in my bag and let me tell you that scared the hell out of me. I called the on call nurse and was freaking out she said it was either me ovulating or I lifted something way to heavyand broke capillaries. Guess what...I broke capillaries in my peritoneal cavity. See Monday I lifted my cooler filled with 5 of my bags and that is WAY to much weight for me. So now I am putting Heparin in each one of my bags so I don't get my hose clogged. So to anyone who will ever have to do PD listen to them and don't lift anything over 10lbs because it is not just scary seeing the blood it also doesn't feel good, my stomach keeps on spasming and I am having pain. It is so not worth it.
I am hanging in there with everything that has happened this week but it is going to take me a little bit of time to take it all in and come to terms with it but I know with the help of my family I will get through it. I just need time.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Well my dad called me last night around 5 and told me the cross matching came back... My antibodies are fighting so hard that they killed my dads which means he can not donate to me. We cried a lot expecially me I couldn't stop. But my dad has signed up to be apart of the "paired matching" which means he can donate to someone who has a donor and is in the same situation as me. It is a huge positive but at the same time still painful. So if anyone knows anyone who is willing to get tested and is an O please let me know and I will get you all the info. Today was pretty rough I kept to myself and was pretty quiet cried a little at my desk. I am just so heart broken so disappionted. I just don't want to do this anymore I really thought it was going to all happen in December and I would be done with dialysis. But my dad told me I need to fight hard like my blood. I just wish my dad was here right now. I love you dad.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Garden day

So today I decided to start a garden. It took my mind of things for awhile and it looks great! My mom found this beautiful metal candle holder thing that I snatched from her and that is in the middle so when I go out at night it is nice and relaxing. My weekend was good I got to rest a lot which I absolutly loved because I really needed it. Bad news though I am getting a sore throat which means I have to choke down some Goldenseal stuff taste like absolute shit but it helps so much with infection. Well I better go take a bag out and get ready to do a transfer. Say a little prayer for me my dads cross mathching results come in this week.

Friday, November 5, 2010


Well my dad called and he passed 15 tests they ran with his blood work. Now we are just holding our out to see how the cross matching goes, we should hear back around Friday. I wish I could say I can breath finally but there is still that chance he can get rejected. It feels like a little weight is lifted but not much. I am just so tired right now I just wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep until we get all the answers. I am just trying to take all of this day by day but it is just so difficult. My dad says it is all my nerves making be feel like shit and I think he is totally right. I think with the stress from being busy at work and being tired added with the waiting it just gets me nauseous. Hopefully this weekend I can just relax and try to take a step back from all of this.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Each day

Each day seems to be getting harder and harder mentally and emotionally. My body is so warn out and tired and my mind is constantly going. I keep thinking about my dad's test results and what are they going to show? Will he really be able to donate and if not I don't know what I will do. I can barley concentrate  because I am so tired and I just don't feel good. I want to scream I GIVE UP!!!!! I am a big dumbass QUITTER!. I feel so lost and so alone now, I feel so pathetic. I am just really close to being done with this shit. I feel like I am spinning out of control and I can't seem to stop.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween!! We stayed home and handed out candy. Wish I could of had a bunch of chocolate bars but they have to much phosphates so maybe next year. I wanted to share a picture of me and Max ( he was dressed as a spider) lol he didn't love it as much as I did.