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I need an out sometimes and so I created this blog.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Life's Hand

I sit here and wonder what I did that was so bad? Why am I the one that got this disease? Who did I hurt so bad that I was branded with this life? Then I think why not me, what the hell is so special about me. I kept beating myself up when I first started dialysis I kept saying "why me" but to be honest there is no reason that someone else should have to do dialysis instead of me. I always say if God brings you to it he knows you can get through it, but what if I can't? Is he sure that I am strong enough mentally. I have seen many people at the dialysis center and in my eyes they are so much stronger, they go 3 times a week and sit there for like 5 or 6 hours...that is patience. It takes me about 30 mins and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. It's just sad to me that for so long I thought I did something to deserve this when really that is not how it goes. We all get dealt the hand we're given and we need to play it til it is over no matter how long or short it is.


  1. Babies and kids in cancer wards are not being punished...God works in mysterious ways...

  2. Kristin,

    I am a co-worker of Meghan's. My name is Ken. I was very moved by your blog and felt I would comment. I lost my mother Denise suddenly on Labor Day 2010 to some type of heart issue. We are still awaiting the autopsy. Sadly my family also lost my Uncle Mike (Denise's brother) in January. I can totally relate to you asking why things happen. Since my Uncle passed I have made it a mission to improve my family's health and eating habits. Finally after 6 months of talking and suggestions, my mom and I had a long talk about her health. She had agreed to start weight watchers less than a week before she passed. I was so hurt and mad that she was taken from my family, and I felt like I should have done more to help her. What I think about is how in some way god's plan for her was something more than just living here on earth. What duty is it now that God would have her do? In the days after her passing, I honestly have felt her presence and have come to believe even more that there is some place for us after the short time we have here. I believe her and my uncle are watching over my family, especially my two boys Jacob (5) and Zachary (3). I talk to and pray to her and ask that she watch over me and my family. I miss her very much, but look forward to the time when I will be reunited with her. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, God Bless
    Kenneth Barta