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I need an out sometimes and so I created this blog.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I want to start this blog off a little different... I started this blog to let go of my thoughts and feelings and what I was personally going through on my journey. My blog is my out for the good times and the bad. I hope there are people that can read my blog and get something out of it. If anyone reading this right now doesn't want to hear the ups and downs don't read it, it's ok I am not offended by no means this is just my only way to let it all out because if I don't start blogging again I am going to hold it all in til I blow and it's not healthy and I don't like being this frustrated and angry.
NOW! For the past couple months things have just been being bottled up with work,pain, mentally draining. First, work and the expectations I expect from myself and I just beat myself up so much when something goes wrong. Health insurance issues how I am screwing it up for everyone when I know it is not my fault that I got sick none of this is my DAMN FAULT! I feel bad that people can't afford to spend the money because our rates are high but hell making me feel like a piece of shit and asking me to find new health insurance away from the group just pisses me off. I understand why they are doing it, to help employees but I am also an employee who is being made to feel like an outcast I know they don't mean to hurt my feeling but they are getting hurt.
Second, the pain I am feeling I don't know where it is coming from but it hurts. The pain is in my back and legs it won't go away and again THE DOCTORS WANT TO BLOW ME OFF. Well guess what that doesn't fricking fly with me not anymore not after what has already happened. I will get to the bottom of it with there help or not I will not give up and tell myself it's in my head...ITS NOT! They tried to give my Ibuprofen...Are they fricking kidding me look where that got me. I don't need another hose in my stomach anytime soon...AGAIN! My health is up to me and I will find out what is going on and I won't quit til I have an answer.
Last but not least my mental state. I have not lost my mind or anything but I am really having a hard time with the past 19 months...Dialysis and transplant. It has all been really hard on me, when I look in the mirror I don't see pretty I see this scared up person who just looks beat up and warn out. My scars make me cry looking at them knowing what I went through and just how hard it was. It has just drained me mentally. I can't clean out my dialysis room yet because a part of me has not excepted my kidney is mine and that it is not going anywhere. My room is like a "safe haven" for me. I am just so angry with everything I have gone through and the anger keeps growing daily since I have been holding it in. I am told not to focus on what I can't control but shit what am I suppose to do when everything that is bothering me I can't control so how do I get past it. I am just starting to always feel anxious yet I am so tired and I just need to take a step back. I did tonight when I was talking to my Dad he told me OUR scares are our metals and I need to be proud of mine and where them with pride. It's going to take time but I will one day take pride in my scares I just need more time. I am a 28 year old girl who's stomach is all scared up I just need time. But I will be there one day soon I know it.
I actually feel a little better but I am now 23 minutes past medication time so I need to go but I will be back good or bad.


THE MOST AMAZING NEWS UPDATE:
December 13th (my birthday) Steve got went into surgery at 6am for his liver transplant. A wonderful person that checked organ donor gave Steve the gift of life. Andre said he is doing great other than being doped up and groggy. That was the most amazing thing I could have heard on my birthday now I can say on my birthday I get to share this day with an amazing fighter who got his life back. I was born on December 13th and Steve got his life back. I am very happy to share this day with him.

3 comments:

  1. Continue to state all your feelings...the good and the bad. We are all here for you and are proud of you. If you keep it bottled up inside of you, you really will explode. Only YOU truly know what you have gone through and what your feelings are as to the journey that you have been on the past few years. I love you very much...Happy day after your B-day!!!!!! Dad

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  2. To anyone who has a problem with what you write...It's very simple... This blog is not about or for them. It's for you to have an emotional release and a means to sanity.
    Anyone who reads this can find hope and inspiration on trials they face in their own life. It's EXTREMELY brave to put yourself out there exposing your faults and your vulnerabilities. And for those who face kidney disease someone they can relate to.
    As far as the people giving you a hard time about insurance... To hell with them!! They should be so lucky as to be blessed with good health and they should count their blessing and not belittle someone who had no choice of their path.
    And don't listen to doctors if your heart tells you to get an answer. I found the link below about a 23 year old girl who found out she had kidney cancer. If she had listened to the first doctor and never gotten a second opinion it would have been years before the cancer was discovered: http://vimeo.com/33077793

    LOVE YOU- YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL and BRAVE
    Meg

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