Kidney Wings My Journey: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I want to start this blog off a little different... I started this blog to let go of my thoughts and feelings and what I was personally going through on my journey. My blog is my out for the good times and the bad. I hope there are people that can read my blog and get something out of it. If anyone reading this right now doesn't want to hear the ups and downs don't read it, it's ok I am not offended by no means this is just my only way to let it all out because if I don't start blogging again I am going to hold it all in til I blow and it's not healthy and I don't like being this frustrated and angry.
NOW! For the past couple months things have just been being bottled up with work,pain, mentally draining. First, work and the expectations I expect from myself and I just beat myself up so much when something goes wrong. Health insurance issues how I am screwing it up for everyone when I know it is not my fault that I got sick none of this is my DAMN FAULT! I feel bad that people can't afford to spend the money because our rates are high but hell making me feel like a piece of shit and asking me to find new health insurance away from the group just pisses me off. I understand why they are doing it, to help employees but I am also an employee who is being made to feel like an outcast I know they don't mean to hurt my feeling but they are getting hurt.
Second, the pain I am feeling I don't know where it is coming from but it hurts. The pain is in my back and legs it won't go away and again THE DOCTORS WANT TO BLOW ME OFF. Well guess what that doesn't fricking fly with me not anymore not after what has already happened. I will get to the bottom of it with there help or not I will not give up and tell myself it's in my head...ITS NOT! They tried to give my Ibuprofen...Are they fricking kidding me look where that got me. I don't need another hose in my stomach anytime soon...AGAIN! My health is up to me and I will find out what is going on and I won't quit til I have an answer.
Last but not least my mental state. I have not lost my mind or anything but I am really having a hard time with the past 19 months...Dialysis and transplant. It has all been really hard on me, when I look in the mirror I don't see pretty I see this scared up person who just looks beat up and warn out. My scars make me cry looking at them knowing what I went through and just how hard it was. It has just drained me mentally. I can't clean out my dialysis room yet because a part of me has not excepted my kidney is mine and that it is not going anywhere. My room is like a "safe haven" for me. I am just so angry with everything I have gone through and the anger keeps growing daily since I have been holding it in. I am told not to focus on what I can't control but shit what am I suppose to do when everything that is bothering me I can't control so how do I get past it. I am just starting to always feel anxious yet I am so tired and I just need to take a step back. I did tonight when I was talking to my Dad he told me OUR scares are our metals and I need to be proud of mine and where them with pride. It's going to take time but I will one day take pride in my scares I just need more time. I am a 28 year old girl who's stomach is all scared up I just need time. But I will be there one day soon I know it.
I actually feel a little better but I am now 23 minutes past medication time so I need to go but I will be back good or bad.

THE MOST AMAZING NEWS UPDATE:
December 13th (my birthday) Steve got went into surgery at 6am for his liver transplant. A wonderful person that checked organ donor gave Steve the gift of life. Andre said he is doing great other than being doped up and groggy. That was the most amazing thing I could have heard on my birthday now I can say on my birthday I get to share this day with an amazing fighter who got his life back. I was born on December 13th and Steve got his life back. I am very happy to share this day with him.

2 comments:

AnonymousDecember 14, 2011 at 8:17 PM
Continue to state all your feelings...the good and the bad. We are all here for you and are proud of you. If you keep it bottled up inside of you, you really will explode. Only YOU truly know what you have gone through and what your feelings are as to the journey that you have been on the past few years. I love you very much...Happy day after your B-day!!!!!! Dad
ReplyDelete
Replies
AnonymousDecember 15, 2011 at 2:38 PM
To anyone who has a problem with what you write...It's very simple... This blog is not about or for them. It's for you to have an emotional release and a means to sanity.
Anyone who reads this can find hope and inspiration on trials they face in their own life. It's EXTREMELY brave to put yourself out there exposing your faults and your vulnerabilities. And for those who face kidney disease someone they can relate to.
As far as the people giving you a hard time about insurance... To hell with them!! They should be so lucky as to be blessed with good health and they should count their blessing and not belittle someone who had no choice of their path.
And don't listen to doctors if your heart tells you to get an answer. I found the link below about a 23 year old girl who found out she had kidney cancer. If she had listened to the first doctor and never gotten a second opinion it would have been years before the cancer was discovered: http://vimeo.com/33077793

LOVE YOU- YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL and BRAVE
Meg
ReplyDelete
Replies

Add comment

10 Symptoms of Kidney Disease

Symptom 1: Changes in Urination

Kidneys make urine, so when the kidneys are failing, the urine may change. How?

■ You may have to get up at night to urinate.
■ Urine may be foamy or bubbly. You may urinate more often, or in greater amounts than usual, with pale urine.
■ You may urinate less often, or in smaller amounts than usual with dark colored urine.
■ Your urine may contain blood.
■ You may feel pressure or have difficulty urinating.

What patients said:
"When you go to use the restroom, you couldn't get it all out. And it would still feel just like tightness down there, there was so much pressure."
"My urine is what I had started noticing. Then I was frequently going to the bathroom, and when I got there, nothing's happening. You think, 'Hey, I've got to go to the john,' and you get there: two, three drops."
"I was passing blood in my urine. It was so dark it looked like grape Kool-Aid. And when I went to the hospital they thought I was lying about what color it was."
Symptom 2: Swelling
Failing kidneys don't remove extra fluid, which builds up in your body causing swelling in the legs, ankles, feet, face, and/or hands.

What patients said:
"I remember a lot of swelling in my ankles. My ankles were so big I couldn't get my shoes on."
"My sister, her hair started to fall out, she was losing weight, but her face was really puffy, you know, and everything like that, before she found out what was going on with her."
"Going to work one morning, my left ankle was swollen, real swollen, and I was very exhausted just walking to the bus stop. And I knew then that I had to see a doctor."
Symptom 3: Fatigue
Healthy kidneys make a hormone called erythropoietin (a-rith'-ro-po'-uh-tin) that tells your body to make oxygen-carrying red blood cells. As the kidneys fail, they make less erythropoietin. With fewer red blood cells to carry oxygen, your muscles and brain become tired very quickly. This condition is called anemia, and it can be treated.

What patients said:
"I was constantly exhausted and didn't have any pep or anything."
"I would sleep a lot. I'd come home from work and get right in that bed."
"It's just like when you're extremely tired all the time. Fatigued, and you're just drained, even if you didn't do anything, just totally drained."
Symptom 4: Skin Rash/Itching
Kidneys remove wastes from the bloodstream. When the kidneys fail, the buildup of wastes in your blood can cause severe itching.

What patients said:
"It's not really a skin itch or anything, it's just right down to the bone. I had to get a brush and dig. My back was just bloody from scratching it so much."
"My skin had broke out, I was itching and scratching a lot."
Symptom 5: Metallic Taste in Mouth/Ammonia Breath
A buildup of wastes in the blood (called uremia) can make food taste different and cause bad breath. You may also notice that you stop liking to eat meat, or that you are losing weight because you just don't feel like eating.

What patients said:
"Foul taste in your mouth. Almost like you're drinking iron."
"You don't have the appetite you used to have."
"Before I started dialysis, I must have lost around about 10 pounds."
Symptom 6: Nausea and Vomiting
A severe buildup of wastes in the blood (uremia) can also cause nausea and vomiting. Loss of appetite can lead to weight loss.

What patients said:
"I had a lot of itching, and I was nauseated, throwing up all the time. I couldn't keep anything down in my stomach."
"When I got the nausea, I couldn't eat and I had a hard time taking my blood pressure pills."
Symptom 7: Shortness of Breath
Trouble catching your breath can be related to the kidneys in two ways. First, extra fluid in the body can build up in the lungs. And second, anemia (a shortage of oxygen-carrying red blood cells) can leave your body oxygen-starved and short of breath.

What patients said:
"At the times when I get the shortness of breath, it's alarming to me. It just fears me. I think maybe I might fall or something so I usually go sit down for awhile."
"I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't catch my breath, like I was drowning or something. And, the bloating, can't breathe, can't walk anywhere. It was bad."
"You go up a set of stairs and you're out of breath, or you do work and you get tired and you have to stop."
Symptom 8: Feeling Cold
Anemia can make you feel cold all the time, even in a warm room.

What patients said:
"I notice sometimes I get really cold, I get chills."
"Sometimes I get really, really cold. It could be hot, and I'd be cold."
Symptom 9: Dizziness and Trouble Concentrating
Anemia related to kidney failure means that your brain is not getting enough oxygen. This can lead to memory problems, trouble with concentration, and dizziness.

What patients said:
"I know I mentioned to my wife that my memory—I couldn't remember what I did last week, or maybe what I had 2 days ago. I couldn't really concentrate, because I like to work crossword puzzles and read a lot."
"I was always tired and dizzy."
"It got to the point, like, I used to be at work, and all of the sudden I'd start getting dizzy. So I was thinking maybe it was my blood pressure or else diabetes was going bad. That's what was on my mind."
Symptom 10: Leg/Flank Pain
Some people with kidney problems may have pain in the back or side related to the affected kidney. Polycystic kidney disease, which causes large, fluid-filled cysts on the kidneys and sometimes the liver, can cause pain.

What patients said:
"About 2 years ago, I was constantly going to the bathroom all the time, the lower part of my back was always hurting and I was wondering why...and they diagnosed that kidney problem."
"And then you're having to get up all time through the night, and then you have the side ache, a backache, and you can't move."
"At night, I would get a pain in my side. It was worse than labor pain. And I'd be crying and my husband would get up, everybody, rubbing my legs."

Kidney Wings My Journey

About Me

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

2 comments:

AZ Kidney Foundation/ IGA Nephropathy Support

Followers

Fabulous all NATURAL ways to help prevent & reverse renal failure

10 Symptoms of Kidney Disease