AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I want to start this blog off a little different... I started this blog to let go of my thoughts and feelings and what I was personally going through on my journey. My blog is my out for the good times and the bad. I hope there are people that can read my blog and get something out of it. If anyone reading this right now doesn't want to hear the ups and downs don't read it, it's ok I am not offended by no means this is just my only way to let it all out because if I don't start blogging again I am going to hold it all in til I blow and it's not healthy and I don't like being this frustrated and angry.
NOW! For the past couple months things have just been being bottled up with work,pain, mentally draining. First, work and the expectations I expect from myself and I just beat myself up so much when something goes wrong. Health insurance issues how I am screwing it up for everyone when I know it is not my fault that I got sick none of this is my DAMN FAULT! I feel bad that people can't afford to spend the money because our rates are high but hell making me feel like a piece of shit and asking me to find new health insurance away from the group just pisses me off. I understand why they are doing it, to help employees but I am also an employee who is being made to feel like an outcast I know they don't mean to hurt my feeling but they are getting hurt.
Second, the pain I am feeling I don't know where it is coming from but it hurts. The pain is in my back and legs it won't go away and again THE DOCTORS WANT TO BLOW ME OFF. Well guess what that doesn't fricking fly with me not anymore not after what has already happened. I will get to the bottom of it with there help or not I will not give up and tell myself it's in my head...ITS NOT! They tried to give my Ibuprofen...Are they fricking kidding me look where that got me. I don't need another hose in my stomach anytime soon...AGAIN! My health is up to me and I will find out what is going on and I won't quit til I have an answer.
Last but not least my mental state. I have not lost my mind or anything but I am really having a hard time with the past 19 months...Dialysis and transplant. It has all been really hard on me, when I look in the mirror I don't see pretty I see this scared up person who just looks beat up and warn out. My scars make me cry looking at them knowing what I went through and just how hard it was. It has just drained me mentally. I can't clean out my dialysis room yet because a part of me has not excepted my kidney is mine and that it is not going anywhere. My room is like a "safe haven" for me. I am just so angry with everything I have gone through and the anger keeps growing daily since I have been holding it in. I am told not to focus on what I can't control but shit what am I suppose to do when everything that is bothering me I can't control so how do I get past it. I am just starting to always feel anxious yet I am so tired and I just need to take a step back. I did tonight when I was talking to my Dad he told me OUR scares are our metals and I need to be proud of mine and where them with pride. It's going to take time but I will one day take pride in my scares I just need more time. I am a 28 year old girl who's stomach is all scared up I just need time. But I will be there one day soon I know it.
I actually feel a little better but I am now 23 minutes past medication time so I need to go but I will be back good or bad.


THE MOST AMAZING NEWS UPDATE:
December 13th (my birthday) Steve got went into surgery at 6am for his liver transplant. A wonderful person that checked organ donor gave Steve the gift of life. Andre said he is doing great other than being doped up and groggy. That was the most amazing thing I could have heard on my birthday now I can say on my birthday I get to share this day with an amazing fighter who got his life back. I was born on December 13th and Steve got his life back. I am very happy to share this day with him.

FABULOUS NEWS X'S 2

First and for most Laura aka Lula has found me! She was my other half when we were kids she lived behind me and well I lived behind here :). She was the best friend I ever had. She still has a place very dear to my heart. We have both been looking for each other and well she found me from Transplant Cafe and then my wonderful blog that I adore. It was great to hear from her and how she has been...She is a mama!! I really missed her and I am very thankful she is back in my life.
Second I received a call from the NKF today asking me to be in a testimonial video today and tell a little about my story and how they have helped me. I was SO NERVOUS I don't do good under pressure so I paused a lot so I hope I did good for them and made them proud. I hope I can help raise awareness. Kidney disease is everywhere and it can attack anyone. I can't wait to see the video when it is done I will post it!!!! It will be played at a fundraiser next Friday!!!!

Night all!!!!

Hi All

Hi all,
Just sitting here taking a break from making ornaments for Christmas...KIDNEY WINGS ORNAMENTS!!! They look great so far I will post them when I get pictures up. Tomorrow is the NKF Golf tournament I will be there volunteering with Lins,Char and Char's friend Victoria from Alaska. It will be fun. I was actually checking in to see if Alison has been on but the last time she blogged was 10/14 nothing since. I am thinking about her and a little worried I hope she is doing ok. Steve is doing ok he was moved to 2nd on the list so that is good and bad at the same time. I keep harassing him and checking in just to make sure they are doing ok and see if I can do anything. But they have been through this before. Well I am going to get to watching X-Factor and then read a little bit just started a book "The Blind Mirror" good so far hard to put it down. Well Alison if you are reading this let me know you are ok, I am thinking about you.

Thoughts for a friend

I have work with a gentlemen named Steve for the past 2 years or so. A little over 9 years ago his brother donated some of his liver to him. Before my transplant Steve wasn't emailing me anymore and I was talking to other people. I was told by one of his co-workers his liver wasn't doing too good. I emailed Steve when I got back never heard from him but I emailed him yesterday asking him how he was telling him I was doing good but I wanted to hear from him. I read his email this morning he said he wasn't doing good he needs another transplant but whatever happens in the end at least he go 9+ years out of this one and he couldn't ask for more. My heart dropped for him he is so strong him and his wife. He has to have stomach taps every week because he has an infection and can't have the catheter. Everything he is going through it's just, I don't have the words but I am sure you are all thinking the same thing. I wish he didn't have to go through this and if I could I would donate a part of my liver. Anything just to stop his pain. If I didn't have Steve to talk to while I was on dialysis I would have been so lost and confused. He was there in the beginning and it really helped to talk to someone who had been through it. I just want to be able to spread the word for him. Please keep Steve and his wife in your thoughts and Dad if you are reading this right now can you and Mom please send healings his way. Night all.

Shower thoughts

I was sitting in the shower thinking (have had a headache going on a week now so the shower helps) I was remembering when my dad told me I wouldn't remember the pain I had after the transplant because every time I would talk to him I just said PAIN dad so much, he would say it will go away and you won't remember the pain forever. As I sat in the shower I put my hand on my kidney closed my eyes and in a way I felt the pain I remembered the moments after my transplant. As dumb as this is going to sound I like being able to close my eyes feel my kidney and remember the pain because that pain was the most wonderful gift a person could ever receive that moment in my life when my uncle gave me his kidney it was beautiful the pain was there but like my dad said it will go away. He said when your mom's appendix burst she was in so much pain and she had complications, she had pain and a lot of it but pain is not forever which now I understand. I just want to remember it now and then I don't know maybe it is because I am still not "over" it just like how I can't clean out my dialysis room. Feeling the pain and thinking about it is ok to me it makes me more grateful for my gift and for the journey I have taken. I am sure people are reading this and thinking you are crazy but when I remember I think what I am putting in my mouth drinking water and just telling myself you need to take care of "lefty" he is a gift so don't take him for granted. I never will...

Jab!Jab!Jab!

Well last week I was play fighting with one of my friends and he jabbed me in the kidney. I fell to the ground and stayed down for about 5 minutes. It didn't register while we were messing around that my kidney was in my abdomen, come on who has there kidney in there abdomen. My kidney has been hurting since and I went in today blood work is stable but Dr. Loral was worried he said that jab could have flipped my kidney and killed it. He said the tiniest injury to the kidney could hurt it. He said I most likely have a bruised kidney and that's why it has been hurting he gave me some medicine and said keep an eye on my urine and let them know if anything changes and tell the my friend to stay away from my kidney. I told him I would go after my friends kidney if he hurt "Lefty" :). He also took me off of the Dapsone and Acycliver!!! Wahoo 2 pills taken off the list now 6 types of pills that come out to 17 pills a day! I have been having nausea and hot flashes so he thought lets get me off these 2 and see if that helps. Fingers crossed. Well I am going to go lay down need to take it easy just til the bruised bean heels.

Picked up medical records

Well I picked up my medical records last week and well going through them pissed me off BIG TIME. Just reading that every time they did a urinalysis they found BLOOD+++/PROTEIN+++. Plus you have there comments she is complaining of pain in her kidneys but did anyone ever do a damn thing no they blew me off to the point where EVERYONE was thinking I was making it up hell I even started to think maybe it is all in my head.i had to put the files down lol. I have so much anger and frustration with this whole thing. I am just having such a hard time "copping" and I am not sure why, I mean I was told that many people have a difficult time after transplant but I never understood til now. And I just really wish the pain would go away in my old kidneys but again doctors keep telling me there is nothing wrong it's in your head IGA CAN'T HURT!!!!!!!!! Well guess what... IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok sorry I feel much better getting this out rather then keeping it bottled up :) Thank you to who ever is reading my frustration lol. ****DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU HOW YOU FEEL OR WHAT YOUR FEELING ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR HEALTH!! :)